So here it is, almost a month later. Doesn't seem that long ago when I started what I wasn't sure I would get through, but here I am still fighting and pushing towards my goal. I have not one time cheated on this diet. I have totally relied on the awesome power of God to push through and know that with Him I would and will succeed.
This is not where I pictured myself being at the end of the month...I had honestly thought I would have lost more weight. That I would feel awesome and empowered, but none of those things I have accomplished. Honestly I am pretty much at the same weight and at this point have felt more icky than "empowered". I can tell you I feel like I failed myself, that even though I am on this journey to better myself I am hurting myself in another way. How? Not sure, eating too many calories, not exercising enough, eating too much of the things I can only have once in a while? So what do I do now? I am already putting in 4 nights of dance and on top of that another hour or more of abs a week and I have even added in some cardio now that the weather is starting to get nicer out.
So in order to make sure that in a month from now I am NOT feeling this same defeat and disappointment something more needs to change....I am going to have to stop eating peanut butter completely, only sweet potatoes once a week, and limit my calorie intake. I can't really fit too much more exercise in and still be rested during the week. I do know that only I can change and stick to these changes. I think the most important change is that I TRUST God. He knows what He's doing and more importantly what my body is doing. I need to stay positive and know that I can and will get through this. I will succeed in this, I have God to give me the strength I need and I need to love myself now for who I am and how He has created me.
I cannot let self image rule over me. God created me perfect in HIS image and loves me all the same. He knows I am beautiful and I pray that I would see myself as God has made me and that I would see the beautiful young woman in the mirror not the things that Satan wants me to focus on. I will keep doing this lifestyle change because I want to feel healthy and be strong, not because I want to look like that model on the magazine who has been airbrushed to perfection. I am not perfect, but my God is and He loves me for who I am.
Lord I love you and I pray that I would look in the mirror and see your creation, not what the world wants me to see. I pray that I would feel beautiful and comfortable in my skin. I love you Lord and need Your strength to let go of this obsession with my image and weight and just LIVE!!
-Just A Girl
Monday, April 8, 2013
Sunday, March 17, 2013
Ups and Downs
It seems like every time I decide to start something I am full force ahead, I have so much drive and determination! Then all of a sudden it bursts... I'm not ready to quit or give up, but I just feel defeated. Something inside me says "hey you've been doing this new thing a couple days you should see some results!" Whether it's a food I've cut out, a food I've added, or a new workout I'm trying I want to see instant results. I do know that isn't how things in life work, usually things that are instant aren't lasting results.
My new lifestyle, not diet, is going pretty well so far. I'm on day 4 and when I come across a food that I can't have I see it differently. I don't look at that shake as, "I really wish I could have that, it's so unfair that I have to be on this diet." I don't set and dwell over the fact that I am not able to eat it, instead I say "It's not good for me, it's not part of my life now" and I move on. Not to say that there won't come a day or time when I really will be tempted and feel like I am deprived, but I know I will be able to overcome that temptation because of God's promise to us in 1 Corinthians 10:13 "No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it."
God has been working in my heart the past few weeks over this issue. It started with a devotion that I started on You Version called Made to Crave. It challenged me truly, the lady who wrote it continued to talk about how she gave it all up, no cheat weekends or days, but she saw it through until her goal was reached. She sought God in her times of weakness and learned to crave Him, not food. I struggled with what God was calling me to do, give my food addiction up, and what I wanted to do, work hard to gorge myself of what I was deprived of.
Little did I know God was also working in my the past few weeks through my Pastor's sermons. He was preaching from Hosea, talking about how it's okay to not be okay. How once we get to that realization we need to begin to spend intimate time with God, to truly know Him and His will for us. How we are to turn from that sin and start new with Christ. It wasn't until today that God brought it all around full circle to reaffirm my decision and what had to be done. Our Pastor was saying how God is saying it's time we choose, time to decide what we are going to do. No more riding the fence. We are either throwing away our sin and past to walk with Him in righteousness or we are choosing to live in sin and away from our Father. I knew that my choice to walk away from this on again off again "dieting/cheating" routine was what God was calling me to. He was telling me it's time to crave Me, not food, it's time to all Me to guide and control your steps, not food. I have made my decision and left those foods behind. Is it for lifetime? I don't know, right now God is working in me to teach me discipline. It hurts to go through this again, to hate my body, to be sad and depressed to look in the mirror, to feel helpless, but I have to let go of that. It's not controlling me and this is the last time I will be in the place. God has to break us sometimes, but He will restore us, and through His restoration the lessons He will teach me will grow me into the person He is molding me to be.
So Satan before you push any more of your lies about how ugly, fat, unlovable, and disgusting I am, I'm going to stop you. Because my Father says I am created in His imagine and that His love endures FOREVER. He has given me all I will ever need and will provide for me always. I must clothe myself in God's truth, love, and hope. Not Satan's lies.
-JustAGirl
My new lifestyle, not diet, is going pretty well so far. I'm on day 4 and when I come across a food that I can't have I see it differently. I don't look at that shake as, "I really wish I could have that, it's so unfair that I have to be on this diet." I don't set and dwell over the fact that I am not able to eat it, instead I say "It's not good for me, it's not part of my life now" and I move on. Not to say that there won't come a day or time when I really will be tempted and feel like I am deprived, but I know I will be able to overcome that temptation because of God's promise to us in 1 Corinthians 10:13 "No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it."
God has been working in my heart the past few weeks over this issue. It started with a devotion that I started on You Version called Made to Crave. It challenged me truly, the lady who wrote it continued to talk about how she gave it all up, no cheat weekends or days, but she saw it through until her goal was reached. She sought God in her times of weakness and learned to crave Him, not food. I struggled with what God was calling me to do, give my food addiction up, and what I wanted to do, work hard to gorge myself of what I was deprived of.
Little did I know God was also working in my the past few weeks through my Pastor's sermons. He was preaching from Hosea, talking about how it's okay to not be okay. How once we get to that realization we need to begin to spend intimate time with God, to truly know Him and His will for us. How we are to turn from that sin and start new with Christ. It wasn't until today that God brought it all around full circle to reaffirm my decision and what had to be done. Our Pastor was saying how God is saying it's time we choose, time to decide what we are going to do. No more riding the fence. We are either throwing away our sin and past to walk with Him in righteousness or we are choosing to live in sin and away from our Father. I knew that my choice to walk away from this on again off again "dieting/cheating" routine was what God was calling me to. He was telling me it's time to crave Me, not food, it's time to all Me to guide and control your steps, not food. I have made my decision and left those foods behind. Is it for lifetime? I don't know, right now God is working in me to teach me discipline. It hurts to go through this again, to hate my body, to be sad and depressed to look in the mirror, to feel helpless, but I have to let go of that. It's not controlling me and this is the last time I will be in the place. God has to break us sometimes, but He will restore us, and through His restoration the lessons He will teach me will grow me into the person He is molding me to be.
So Satan before you push any more of your lies about how ugly, fat, unlovable, and disgusting I am, I'm going to stop you. Because my Father says I am created in His imagine and that His love endures FOREVER. He has given me all I will ever need and will provide for me always. I must clothe myself in God's truth, love, and hope. Not Satan's lies.
-JustAGirl
Friday, March 15, 2013
Starting New
Starting over can seem impossible...especially when it seems like you are ALWAYS starting over...
3 years ago I began a long journey of destructive eating, self-image obsessions, and hating how I looked. I was diagnosed with PCOS, which at the time I had never heard of. Basically it's a hormonal imbalance in women that cause a string of issues with their body. You gain unwanted weight extremely fast, you have more male hormones than female so your voice can drop, facial hair growth, acne, a chance of never having children, heart problems, becoming diabetic, and the list goes on.
All I knew was that I was 19 and all I wanted to do was go eat a cheeseburger and fries with my friends and all of a sudden everything I was eating I couldn't anymore. I was always small in high school, 5' and weighing about 98-101 through all 4 years. I never had issues with my weight or image because I didn't have to worry about. I didn't obsess over how I looked, I was okay looking and that was enough for me.
Then I get into college and BAMB....gaining 4lbs a month and all of a sudden I'm up over 20 lbs, for me I thought I was huge! I had been to numerous doctors, not just for the weight, but my periods has stopped for over 4 months which is when the weight began to pack on. I was put on birth control, which was not something I wanted to do, I was not sexually active and felt no need, but at the same time not having a period was harmful to my body. Then I was sent to a nutritionist who put me on a 700 calorie a day diet, portioning everything cutting out this and that and couple months later not only had I not lost weight, but I gained it.
Finally after almost a year of jumping through hoops with countless doctors I was seen by a fertility specialist who knew right away what I had, PCOS, which I briefly explained before. I was give 2 pages of food that I could and couldn't eat. It was basically no sugar, no flour. I use to joke if it tastes good mark it off my list! The doctor said do the diet 2 weeks then cheat a weekend and back to the diet. So I was thinking okay, just work hard for two weeks, then I can eat real food again!!!
I started the diet and did it for 4 months before losing a pound, it was discouraging to say the least. Not to mention the extreme mood swings, depression, hating myself and how I looked, and feeling hungry and deprived everyday.
I then went through a break up after dating a guy for over a year. I was finally able to lose weight! But not because I was "dieting", but because I was not eating due to depression with the break-up. I felt great! I was back into high school jeans and now 21 I loved my body again! Of course I thought I could just go back to eating what I wanted because at first I could lose the weight I put on by doing my diet just 3 days. I thought I had finally overcome this thing!!!
I left that fall to go on a mission trip to India for about a month, needless to say I did not do my diet at all there! I made the excuse that I had to eat what they had, which in a way was true, many people in the villages were dirt poor and could not afford anything but rice. On the other hand when I had free time I was eating cookies, crackers, things people had brought from home ect. So I get back to the states and I feel miserable. I was soooo swollen, puffy, and knew that I had blew it.
I gained everything plus 10 lbs more! Of course I just decided I would try the 2 weeks diet then cheat and repeat that. I was unable to lose weight for several months, then finally my body got a little more normal about 5 months later and I lost 5 lbs. Again I set myself up for failure by eating everything that got me there in the first place.
Now I am here, back up to a number I've never been...miserable, not comfortable in my skin, disappointed, and tired. Tired of failing, tired of never having anything to show for my hard work, and tired of reaching a goal just to take 5 steps back on a "cheat" weekend.
It's time for change, real change. I am no longer doing this "diet". I am making a lifestyle change. I will do what's right for my body. No sugar, no flour. Grilled meets, veggies, water, ect. Things that I will feel good about tomorrow, things that won't make me regret choices. As I look back on the last three years of my life food has defined most of it. I'm tired of living to eat, I want to eat to live! I want to wake up in the morning asking God what do you have for me today? Not what am I going to eat? How many more days until I can have that donut? NO, no more of food defining me and my every step. It's time to rely on the strength and power that I find in Christ and let Him define me, not food!
This will not be an easy journey, or even fun at times, but it's a journey that I am going to take. A journey that I will be successful at, because I have my Lord and Savior to guide me as well as an amazing family who stands by me. I never realized food could be a drug, but for me it is. I'm addicted and at times it controls my moods towards people, the way my day goes, my thoughts, even my dreams were consumed by cookies and cakes. Not anymore though, once I reach my goal I will reward myself with a small treat, not gorging myself until I'm sick.
I find hope that I can share my journey with you. Maybe there is something that you to have been bound by, something that has controlled you for too long. I'm here to say with God it's never too late to start again, it's never been too many times that you've "started new", my slate is clean and it's a new day. I will take it one day at a time, then there will be the day I look back and see that the hard work and decision to JUST DO IT paid off. I will live a life more than this, I will accomplish more than eating lol.
I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me. Philippians 4:13
-JustAGirl
3 years ago I began a long journey of destructive eating, self-image obsessions, and hating how I looked. I was diagnosed with PCOS, which at the time I had never heard of. Basically it's a hormonal imbalance in women that cause a string of issues with their body. You gain unwanted weight extremely fast, you have more male hormones than female so your voice can drop, facial hair growth, acne, a chance of never having children, heart problems, becoming diabetic, and the list goes on.
All I knew was that I was 19 and all I wanted to do was go eat a cheeseburger and fries with my friends and all of a sudden everything I was eating I couldn't anymore. I was always small in high school, 5' and weighing about 98-101 through all 4 years. I never had issues with my weight or image because I didn't have to worry about. I didn't obsess over how I looked, I was okay looking and that was enough for me.
Then I get into college and BAMB....gaining 4lbs a month and all of a sudden I'm up over 20 lbs, for me I thought I was huge! I had been to numerous doctors, not just for the weight, but my periods has stopped for over 4 months which is when the weight began to pack on. I was put on birth control, which was not something I wanted to do, I was not sexually active and felt no need, but at the same time not having a period was harmful to my body. Then I was sent to a nutritionist who put me on a 700 calorie a day diet, portioning everything cutting out this and that and couple months later not only had I not lost weight, but I gained it.
Finally after almost a year of jumping through hoops with countless doctors I was seen by a fertility specialist who knew right away what I had, PCOS, which I briefly explained before. I was give 2 pages of food that I could and couldn't eat. It was basically no sugar, no flour. I use to joke if it tastes good mark it off my list! The doctor said do the diet 2 weeks then cheat a weekend and back to the diet. So I was thinking okay, just work hard for two weeks, then I can eat real food again!!!
I started the diet and did it for 4 months before losing a pound, it was discouraging to say the least. Not to mention the extreme mood swings, depression, hating myself and how I looked, and feeling hungry and deprived everyday.
I then went through a break up after dating a guy for over a year. I was finally able to lose weight! But not because I was "dieting", but because I was not eating due to depression with the break-up. I felt great! I was back into high school jeans and now 21 I loved my body again! Of course I thought I could just go back to eating what I wanted because at first I could lose the weight I put on by doing my diet just 3 days. I thought I had finally overcome this thing!!!
I left that fall to go on a mission trip to India for about a month, needless to say I did not do my diet at all there! I made the excuse that I had to eat what they had, which in a way was true, many people in the villages were dirt poor and could not afford anything but rice. On the other hand when I had free time I was eating cookies, crackers, things people had brought from home ect. So I get back to the states and I feel miserable. I was soooo swollen, puffy, and knew that I had blew it.
I gained everything plus 10 lbs more! Of course I just decided I would try the 2 weeks diet then cheat and repeat that. I was unable to lose weight for several months, then finally my body got a little more normal about 5 months later and I lost 5 lbs. Again I set myself up for failure by eating everything that got me there in the first place.
Now I am here, back up to a number I've never been...miserable, not comfortable in my skin, disappointed, and tired. Tired of failing, tired of never having anything to show for my hard work, and tired of reaching a goal just to take 5 steps back on a "cheat" weekend.
It's time for change, real change. I am no longer doing this "diet". I am making a lifestyle change. I will do what's right for my body. No sugar, no flour. Grilled meets, veggies, water, ect. Things that I will feel good about tomorrow, things that won't make me regret choices. As I look back on the last three years of my life food has defined most of it. I'm tired of living to eat, I want to eat to live! I want to wake up in the morning asking God what do you have for me today? Not what am I going to eat? How many more days until I can have that donut? NO, no more of food defining me and my every step. It's time to rely on the strength and power that I find in Christ and let Him define me, not food!
This will not be an easy journey, or even fun at times, but it's a journey that I am going to take. A journey that I will be successful at, because I have my Lord and Savior to guide me as well as an amazing family who stands by me. I never realized food could be a drug, but for me it is. I'm addicted and at times it controls my moods towards people, the way my day goes, my thoughts, even my dreams were consumed by cookies and cakes. Not anymore though, once I reach my goal I will reward myself with a small treat, not gorging myself until I'm sick.
I find hope that I can share my journey with you. Maybe there is something that you to have been bound by, something that has controlled you for too long. I'm here to say with God it's never too late to start again, it's never been too many times that you've "started new", my slate is clean and it's a new day. I will take it one day at a time, then there will be the day I look back and see that the hard work and decision to JUST DO IT paid off. I will live a life more than this, I will accomplish more than eating lol.
I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me. Philippians 4:13
-JustAGirl
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