Starting New

Starting over can seem impossible...especially when it seems like you are ALWAYS starting over...

3 years ago I began a long journey of destructive eating, self-image obsessions, and hating how I looked. I was diagnosed with PCOS, which at the time I had never heard of. Basically it's a hormonal imbalance in women that cause a string of issues with their body. You gain unwanted weight extremely fast, you have more male hormones than female so your voice can drop, facial hair growth, acne, a chance of never having children, heart problems, becoming diabetic, and the list goes on.

All I knew was that I was 19 and all I wanted to do was go eat a cheeseburger and fries with my friends and all of a sudden everything I was eating I couldn't anymore. I was always small in high school, 5' and weighing about 98-101 through all 4 years. I never had issues with my weight or image because I didn't have to worry about. I didn't obsess over how I looked, I was okay looking and that was enough for me.

Then I get into college and BAMB....gaining 4lbs a month and all of a sudden I'm up over 20 lbs, for me I thought I was huge! I had been to numerous doctors, not just for the weight, but my periods has stopped for over 4 months which is when the weight began to pack on. I was put on birth control, which was not something I wanted to do, I was not sexually active and felt no need, but at the same time not having a period was harmful to my body. Then I was sent to a nutritionist who put me on a 700 calorie a day diet, portioning everything cutting out this and that and couple months later not only had I not lost weight, but I gained it.

Finally after almost a year of jumping through hoops with countless doctors I was seen by a fertility specialist who knew right away what I had, PCOS, which I briefly explained before. I was give 2 pages of food that I could and couldn't eat. It was basically no sugar, no flour. I use to joke if it tastes good mark it off my list! The doctor said do the diet 2 weeks then cheat a weekend and back to the diet. So I was thinking okay, just work hard for two weeks, then I can eat real food again!!!

I started the diet and did it for 4 months before losing a pound, it was discouraging to say the least. Not to mention the extreme mood swings, depression, hating myself and how I looked, and feeling hungry and deprived everyday.

I then went through a break up after dating a guy for over a year. I was finally able to lose weight! But not because I was "dieting", but because I was not eating due to depression with the break-up. I felt great! I was back into high school jeans and now 21 I loved my body again! Of course I thought I could just go back to eating what I wanted because at first I could lose the weight I put on by doing my diet just 3 days. I thought I had finally overcome this thing!!!

I left that fall to go on a mission trip to India for about a month, needless to say I did not do my diet at all there! I made the excuse that I had to eat what they had, which in a way was true, many people in the villages were dirt poor and could not afford anything but rice. On the other hand when I had free time I was eating cookies, crackers, things people had brought from home ect. So I get back to the states and I feel miserable. I was soooo swollen, puffy, and knew that I had blew it.

I gained everything plus 10 lbs more! Of course I just decided I would try the 2 weeks diet then cheat and repeat that. I was unable to lose weight for several months, then finally my body got a little more normal about 5 months later and I lost 5 lbs. Again I set myself up for failure by eating everything that got me there in the first place.

Now I am here, back up to a number I've never been...miserable, not comfortable in my skin, disappointed, and tired. Tired of failing, tired of never having anything to show for my hard work, and tired of reaching a goal just to take 5 steps back on a "cheat" weekend.

It's time for change, real change. I am no longer doing this "diet". I am making a lifestyle change. I will do what's right for my body. No sugar, no flour. Grilled meets, veggies, water, ect. Things that I will feel good about tomorrow, things that won't make me regret choices. As I look back on the last three years of my life food has defined most of it. I'm tired of living to eat, I want to eat to live! I want to wake up in the morning asking God what do you have for me today? Not what am I going to eat? How many more days until I can have that donut? NO, no more of food defining me and my every step. It's time to rely on the strength and power that I find in Christ and let Him define me, not food!

This will not be an easy journey, or even fun at times, but it's a journey that I am going to take. A journey that I will be successful at, because I have my Lord and Savior to guide me as well as an amazing family who stands by me. I never realized food could be a drug, but for me it is. I'm addicted and at times it controls my moods towards people, the way my day goes, my thoughts, even my dreams were consumed by cookies and cakes. Not anymore though, once I reach my goal I will reward myself with a small treat, not gorging myself until I'm sick.

I find hope that I can share my journey with you. Maybe there is something that you to have been bound by, something that has controlled you for too long. I'm here to say with God it's never too late to start again, it's never been too many times that you've "started new", my slate is clean and it's a new day. I will take it one day at a time, then there will be the day I look back and see that the hard work and decision to JUST DO IT paid off. I will live a life more than this, I will accomplish more than eating lol.

I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me. Philippians 4:13

-JustAGirl